Ilusiones vacias

A couple of weeks ago, I finally got some information from my Dad that I’ve wanted since I was little. I got the last name of my two half-brothers.  Ever since I can remember I knew that my Dad was married before and had two kids. Dennis and Nic. I knew they were older, and I knew that without their last name I would never be able to find them.  From what I heard, my Dad signed over his parental rights, and when the mother of the boys remarried her new husband adopted them.  Like I said, it’s just what I heard. I don’t know the specifics.  So basically in order to contact my two half-brothers, I would first have to know the name of the woman that my Dad was married to, then the name of the man she married after my Dad. How in the hell? So…

When I was 15 and I saw my dad last, he told me that my brothers finally found out about me. That he wanted to give them some pictures. I remember going through a box of pictures finding good pictures to give them.  Awesome right?

Anyway, so I got their last name. Sweet.  I find them both on Facebook.  Turns out they don’t really frequent Facebook like the dork that I am.  I was at least able to see a picture of each of them.  I sent them each a quick message, “Hi, I’m Wayne’s daughter, nice to meet you, etc.” After I sent the messages, my Mom tells me, “Rachel what if they don’t even know about you?” Great… I think. That would suck, but I think they do, so I don’t give it much thought.

So I start thinking that maybe it was a little tacky to send them a message on Facebook. I try to find their addresses to send them a letter via snail mail. I find an address for my brother Nic, who lives in Hawaii. I write out a letter and pop it in the mail. I admit-- I looked at who his friends were on Facebook and snooped as much as I could, which wasn’t much. I was lucky to see some pictures of his wife (who is gorgeous) and 2 boys. I can’t help but think his older son looks kind of like me when I was little. Weird huh? 

The next day, I go to Wal-Mart with Lili and OMG guess who I see in the checkout line behind me? Nic’s wife! I saw her son first, and remembered him from the pictures.  I quick turn around and think- Crappola! I look like crap and what should I say, and blah blah blah…  I turn around and she was gone. Of course my line was moving slower than molasses so she left way before me. I felt like I saw a ghost.

A couple nights later my Dad calls my Mom, cause he never calls me anymore- just my Mom.  I asked to talk to him and the only thing I could think to ask, was “Did you ever tell them about me?”

“Umm… No…no I didn’t.”

The rest of the conversation I don’t really remember. I was too busy thinking one thing and saying another.

I’ve had a day to process this, and I just feel so pinche insignificant. I was so unimportant that I wasn’t even worth mentioning.

Well that’s the story. I know a lot of people in my life don’t know about this chapter.  Just thought I would throw it out there.

Spanish to English

Ilusiones Vacias-  False Illusions.

Pinche-  fucking

Poop

I had such a hard night last night. Liliana had problems when she was a baby with constipation but we haven't had a problem since. I noticed two days ago, she was hiding a lot and grunting. This is a weird blog to write about for me. Poop. LOL Anyway last night she was in so much pain and I have never felt so helpless as a Mother. Anyway, I won't go into details, and it worked out fine in the end. I just had a hard time with it. I mean, it's easy to say that when you have a child you automatically love them unconditionally and that you've never felt so much love for anyone before. Every once in a while something happens when you realize that yes, that is the truth... and that yes, you would do anything for that child. I love that little booger with all my heart...

Clearing My Mind

I haven’t written a blog in a while. I wanted to write a little today, and just clear my mind a bit.

Eusebio decided he would leave for Mexico closer to the date of the appointment. We are expecting this to be in November some time. He is upset that he will not be able to be there for the one year anniversary of his Father’s death, but I know he understands that this is the best option for our family at this time.

One of the reasons we decided to move home to my Mom’s house is because she has an unfinished basement that we are going to fix up and then when it’s done, we will be able to use the basement as a studio apartment. It has a bathroom and a larger room that we are planning to split into 2 areas. One for Liliana and one for us or for me- once Eusebio leaves. I can’t wait for it to be finished. It is pretty crammed in my old bedroom with the three of us. Better than paying for rent though, that’s for sure.

As far as my relationship with my parents goes: I haven’t talked to my dad in two weeks, but I have talked to him twice in the past month which is actually pretty satisfying. He told me he got a new job after being unemployed for two years, so that is good. He wants to come to Minnesota this Fall. It would be nice for Liliana to meet her Grandpa. I am also pretty anxious to see my Mom and Dad together, see how they get along. Speaking of my Mom, we had a nice talk the other night. Like I said in a previous blog, it’s hard for me to tell her things, and so I finally explained this to her, and told her some things that I had held back for a long time. I feel a lot closer to her, and I think our relationship will only get better because of it. We have always had a special mother-daughter relationship I think.

Eusebio and I are still thinking of having another child. It is something that I really want, even though right now our financial situation isn’t the best, nor our living conditions. When you think you can’t have something or that it will be difficult to achieve- it just makes you want it that much more. I know that if we do get pregnant there will be people out there waiting to judge us for these reasons. I don’t care though. I just want to have another child. This is really important to me. I am not getting any younger either.

Lili is doing great. She is so smart. Last night she was playing on an old keyboard and was showing me pictures on a pretend screen in front of her. It was so cute. She also loves princesses- something that I didn’t really want to happen, but it’s cute. All in all life is going really well right now, and even though we have our struggles, we all know that it could be worse.