Blood is thicker than water... so they say.

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog. I have been very busy. Lately I have been thinking of family. Family is very important to me. I have a very big extended family. Even though it was just me, Caleb and my Mom growing up, I have 4 aunts and 4 uncles, and lots of cousins. I have always been surrounded by people who love me. 

Since hearing from my Dad again, I have started thinking more about what life would have been like had my parents stay together.  My Mom and Dad have been reconnecting for the past month or so. I have a feeling things might start to get serious.  I guess the only concern I have is for my Mom.  I don’t want her to fall for the jerk my Dad used to be. I know he has changed a lot, and whatever but he still hurt her once. She says she has forgiven him for what he did, but she will never forget what he did. I guess we will see what happens. I mean, I hope things work out for them.

I have also discovered that my biological Grandma doesn’t care to get to know me right now. It kind of stings that she wouldn’t want to, but I guess I understand. I mean, my Mom and Dad weren’t together when I was born, and I was unexpected. I know she is religious so maybe that has a lot to do with it. Maybe I will just send her a Christmas card this year. It’s not my fault her son was a douche.

As far as my new found brothers go, I am really glad that I finally found them. I met Dennis, and talked to Nic on the phone as well as e-mail frequently. They are both really great guys. I am lucky to have them as brothers. Makes me mad we didn’t meet sooner, but better late than never! Hopefully we will grow closer as time goes on, and our families will know each other.

As for now, I am trying to stay closer to my brother Caleb; I don’t want to ever take our relationship for granted, because we are close for brother and sister. Also, I am planning on calling my Grandma Bernard, and I really want to visit her. She loves me and Lili so much, and yet I have been taking her for granted too. I am not even her biological granddaughter and she has always been so great to us.

I guess the moral of the story is to never take your family for granted, because you never know when they aren’t going to be there.

Ilusiones vacias

A couple of weeks ago, I finally got some information from my Dad that I’ve wanted since I was little. I got the last name of my two half-brothers.  Ever since I can remember I knew that my Dad was married before and had two kids. Dennis and Nic. I knew they were older, and I knew that without their last name I would never be able to find them.  From what I heard, my Dad signed over his parental rights, and when the mother of the boys remarried her new husband adopted them.  Like I said, it’s just what I heard. I don’t know the specifics.  So basically in order to contact my two half-brothers, I would first have to know the name of the woman that my Dad was married to, then the name of the man she married after my Dad. How in the hell? So…

When I was 15 and I saw my dad last, he told me that my brothers finally found out about me. That he wanted to give them some pictures. I remember going through a box of pictures finding good pictures to give them.  Awesome right?

Anyway, so I got their last name. Sweet.  I find them both on Facebook.  Turns out they don’t really frequent Facebook like the dork that I am.  I was at least able to see a picture of each of them.  I sent them each a quick message, “Hi, I’m Wayne’s daughter, nice to meet you, etc.” After I sent the messages, my Mom tells me, “Rachel what if they don’t even know about you?” Great… I think. That would suck, but I think they do, so I don’t give it much thought.

So I start thinking that maybe it was a little tacky to send them a message on Facebook. I try to find their addresses to send them a letter via snail mail. I find an address for my brother Nic, who lives in Hawaii. I write out a letter and pop it in the mail. I admit-- I looked at who his friends were on Facebook and snooped as much as I could, which wasn’t much. I was lucky to see some pictures of his wife (who is gorgeous) and 2 boys. I can’t help but think his older son looks kind of like me when I was little. Weird huh? 

The next day, I go to Wal-Mart with Lili and OMG guess who I see in the checkout line behind me? Nic’s wife! I saw her son first, and remembered him from the pictures.  I quick turn around and think- Crappola! I look like crap and what should I say, and blah blah blah…  I turn around and she was gone. Of course my line was moving slower than molasses so she left way before me. I felt like I saw a ghost.

A couple nights later my Dad calls my Mom, cause he never calls me anymore- just my Mom.  I asked to talk to him and the only thing I could think to ask, was “Did you ever tell them about me?”

“Umm… No…no I didn’t.”

The rest of the conversation I don’t really remember. I was too busy thinking one thing and saying another.

I’ve had a day to process this, and I just feel so pinche insignificant. I was so unimportant that I wasn’t even worth mentioning.

Well that’s the story. I know a lot of people in my life don’t know about this chapter.  Just thought I would throw it out there.

Spanish to English

Ilusiones Vacias-  False Illusions.

Pinche-  fucking

Poop

I had such a hard night last night. Liliana had problems when she was a baby with constipation but we haven't had a problem since. I noticed two days ago, she was hiding a lot and grunting. This is a weird blog to write about for me. Poop. LOL Anyway last night she was in so much pain and I have never felt so helpless as a Mother. Anyway, I won't go into details, and it worked out fine in the end. I just had a hard time with it. I mean, it's easy to say that when you have a child you automatically love them unconditionally and that you've never felt so much love for anyone before. Every once in a while something happens when you realize that yes, that is the truth... and that yes, you would do anything for that child. I love that little booger with all my heart...

Clearing My Mind

I haven’t written a blog in a while. I wanted to write a little today, and just clear my mind a bit.

Eusebio decided he would leave for Mexico closer to the date of the appointment. We are expecting this to be in November some time. He is upset that he will not be able to be there for the one year anniversary of his Father’s death, but I know he understands that this is the best option for our family at this time.

One of the reasons we decided to move home to my Mom’s house is because she has an unfinished basement that we are going to fix up and then when it’s done, we will be able to use the basement as a studio apartment. It has a bathroom and a larger room that we are planning to split into 2 areas. One for Liliana and one for us or for me- once Eusebio leaves. I can’t wait for it to be finished. It is pretty crammed in my old bedroom with the three of us. Better than paying for rent though, that’s for sure.

As far as my relationship with my parents goes: I haven’t talked to my dad in two weeks, but I have talked to him twice in the past month which is actually pretty satisfying. He told me he got a new job after being unemployed for two years, so that is good. He wants to come to Minnesota this Fall. It would be nice for Liliana to meet her Grandpa. I am also pretty anxious to see my Mom and Dad together, see how they get along. Speaking of my Mom, we had a nice talk the other night. Like I said in a previous blog, it’s hard for me to tell her things, and so I finally explained this to her, and told her some things that I had held back for a long time. I feel a lot closer to her, and I think our relationship will only get better because of it. We have always had a special mother-daughter relationship I think.

Eusebio and I are still thinking of having another child. It is something that I really want, even though right now our financial situation isn’t the best, nor our living conditions. When you think you can’t have something or that it will be difficult to achieve- it just makes you want it that much more. I know that if we do get pregnant there will be people out there waiting to judge us for these reasons. I don’t care though. I just want to have another child. This is really important to me. I am not getting any younger either.

Lili is doing great. She is so smart. Last night she was playing on an old keyboard and was showing me pictures on a pretend screen in front of her. It was so cute. She also loves princesses- something that I didn’t really want to happen, but it’s cute. All in all life is going really well right now, and even though we have our struggles, we all know that it could be worse.

Heart Shaped

I’ve always wanted to be a Mom. However, I was told that without medication it would be virtually impossible for me to have children. When I was 21 I went to the ER for kidney stones, and after a CAT scan they explained that I also have a bicornuate uterus. Basically that is a uterus with two horns shaped like a heart or a fissure down the middle so that if you do get pregnant the baby grows on one side. Having a bicornuate uterus also makes it difficult to get pregnant.

When I got pregnant with Liliana, it was a milagro. I didn’t see her coming at all. I had just started dating Eusebio and things were going so good between us I was almost afraid to tell him. I had gone to the doctor after I had two positive pregnancy tests and explained to them about my uterus. I was told I had to have an ultrasound, and I was anxious to see the baby and see the uterus and everything even if I was only a couple weeks pregnant. Lili was a dot on the screen, but I was still so in awe of how I was finally able to have a child. Dr. Weber, however, the doctor from el infierno decided to shoot down my hopes and dreams telling me that- “Well, if the baby survives, it will probably be born severely premature, and you will probably be stuck on bed rest the majority of your pregnancy.”

I left the doctors office crying my eyes out. I had just received the best and worst news of my life, practically at the same time. I called Sasha on my way home asking her how on earth I was going to tell my Mom or Eusebio and it was just horrible. When I got home, I was still bawling my eyes out not knowing what to do, and my Mom walked in. I cried the story to her.

As we all know, Liliana was born healthy, and at her seven pounds 15.5 ounces was of normal weight and everything. Meeting Eusebio, and having Lili was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. They are my life. I would do anything for either of them.

I would love to give Lili a baby brother or sister. Now that she is two, I have been thinking for the past few months about having another baby. Eusebio wants to have another child as well, but he doesn’t want to plan it out or get his hopes up, which I can understand. I just really don’t want Lili to be an only child. Knowing that I have these problems with infertility makes me really nervous to think about this. I’ve been seeing a doctor and when the time is right we will be taking medication to help me get pregnant. Hopefully we won’t have any problems! Please pray for us..

Spanish to English

Milagro - Miracle

El Infierno - Hell

A Nice Conversation

So I talked to my Dad last Sunday night. I don’t want to say everything we talked about, but we had a very nice conversation. He is living in Salmon, ID. It sounds like he is happy there; however the economy isn’t doing very well. We talked about the last time we saw each other and how, I guess without realizing it, I was kind of cold towards him. I didn’t mean to be. It was probably my age or the rebellion stage of adolescence. I guess he took that and assumed I didn’t want to really have anything to do with him. I can understand that.

He asked about my Mom. It’s was weird to me, to hear my Dad talk about my Mom. I am pretty sure my Mom really loved my Dad at one time. Hearing my Dad talk about my Mom makes me think he felt the same about her. This made me happy. Probably because I am a little piece of these two people. A symbol of their love, you might say. It’s nice to know that you are a symbol of love, and not of something else… like two broken marriages or something.

All in all, I enjoyed talking to him very much. I even find myself looking at the world a little differently- like I have someone out there that thinks about me… that cares about me, even. Before, that part of my life was just a closed door.

It sounds like my Dad lives an interesting life. He likes to fish, and collects fish. I guess he has quite the collection of aquariums at his home. He lives in a small town in Idaho. I am sure the mountains are nearby. I am going to call him next week. I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship.

I am very thankful that God has given us this opportunity to reconnect. Con Dios, todo es posible.

Spanish - English

Con Dios, todo es posible - With God, anything is possible.